Miscellaneous

From Daryl Cumber Dance, author of Honey Hush comes this bit of wisdom:

Humor  has been defined as God's aspirin for the headache of reality.

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The following prayer was given to me by Catherine Merritt from Mt. Airy.  She had woven a piece of linen,

mounted it on a cream colored cardboard, and printed this prayer on paper and mounted it in the center of

the natural colored linen:

A Weaver's Prayer

Oh God, the warp you gave me,

My Life,

I got it tangled.

I broke some threads,

    I made some mistakes

I wove too bright a border.

You take the shuttle out of

My Hand,

And let me rest awhile

And mend my threads,

    correct my faults

And put it all in order.

        by Valborg Gravander

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Quotes from Charles Kurault:

Charles, being a UNC fan, was teasing about Duke University when he made this observation:

Duke University was necessary because we needed a place to send Richard Nixon to study Constitutional Law.

Another quote:

Here's to old corn likker. It whitens the teeth, perfumes the breath and makes childbearing a pleasure. What does it taste

like? ---Like a lighted kerosene lantern.

About North Carolina: --- A Toast:

Here's to the land of the long leaf pine

The summer land where the sun doth shine.

The weak grow strong and the strong grow great

Here's to Down Home, the Old North State.

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Bad Puns-- via Email

A group of Chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament

victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was

sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounded on the

man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

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A man went to his dentist because he was having a problem with his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That

new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on

it that was delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables,

everything.!"

"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which can be

highly corrosive. It is eating away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time we'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" the patient asked.

"Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

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A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams," he said. "First I am a teepee; then

a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy! What's wrong with me?"

"It's very simple," the doctor replied. "You're two tents."

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An Indian chief had three wives and all of them became pregnant at the same time. The first gave birth to a boy. The

chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second wife gave birth, also to a boy. The

chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief

kept the details of the birth a secret. He built this wife a two story teepee made of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged

the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried without success. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife

had given birth to twin boys.

"That's correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of

the other two hides."

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A doctor made it a habit to stop off at his favorite bar on his way home each day to enjoy a hazelnut daiquiri. The

bartender expected him and always had the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 P.M. One afternoon, the bartender was

dismayed to find he had run out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory

nuts and set it on the bar. When the doctor came in, he took one sip of the drink and explained, "This isn't a hazelnut

daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

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There was a man who entered a newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one would

win. As it turned out, no pun in ten did.

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A Guy Named Chris

A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, in Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, d'you mind if I wait?"

"No, come on in."

They sit down and Chris says, "You know, Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a

hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Betsy thinks about this for a second, and says to herself, What the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Chris promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there awhile longer and Chris says, "They are sooooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."

Betsy thinks about this again and says, what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her

and throws another 100 bucks on the table, then says he can't wait any longer for Tony, and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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Mary Had a Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey,

It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan

It was not so much a lambkin as a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more,

They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,

There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary

So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,

One problem solved but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary.

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WORDS TO A SONG --- sung by Louis Armstrong and others

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD.

I see trees of green--------- Red roses too

I see them blue ------------ For me and you

And I think to myself

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD !!

I see skies of blue ------ And clouds of white

The bright blessed day ------ The dogs say goodnight

And I think to myself

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD !!

The colors of the rainbow ----- So pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces -------- Of people going by

I see friends shaking hands ----- Saying How-do-you-do

They're really saying --- I love you

I hear babies cry --- I watch them grow

They'll learn much more ---- Than I'll ever know

And I think to myself

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD.!!

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Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before preceding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

To re-order, specify the following:

P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls --------------- P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

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Poetic Writing

I love a wordsmith, a good turn of a phrase. My favorite example of poetic writing I found while browsing in the archives in Raleigh, NC. The punctuation is exactly as it was written in the Edenton Gazette and N.C. Advertiser. July 28, 1808, Page 1, Col. 1:

Died -- Lately in Starbrook Ten., Oliver Heard, Esq., Attorney at law, aged 27- He had just married a blooming widow of 88 years, who had led him to suppose she possessed the attractive charms of $8000 property, but who, unfortunately did not possess an 8000th part of that sum. - Finding he had lost his cause and mortified at the non-suit he took an affectionate leave of his tender and amiable consort-, and, drinking to her reformation in a bowl of poison, added suicide to the crime of rank speculation.

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Three things to remember in order of importance:

1. We must have as much fun as we can with what we have.

2. We must eat as well as we can, because if we don't we won't have the strength to have as much fun as we might.

3. We must keep the house reasonably in order, wash the dishes, and such things. But we will not let the last interfere with the other two. ...................From Cannery Row, by John Steinbeck

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COMES THE DAWN ------- from an Ann Landers' column.

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal. And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your hope on today as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans. Yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brighter dawn. And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and nourish your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that love, true love always has joys and sorrows, seems ever present, yet is never quite the same becoming more than love and less than love -- so difficult to define. And you learn that through it all, you really can endure, that you really are strong, that you do have value. And you learn and grow. With every goodbye you learn.

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From MISS MANNERS comes this explanation about the use of "MS"

In answer to a divorced lady who questioned the proper name to use, and who asked the question, "Has 'Ms' gained widespread acceptance, or does it brand a woman as a 'women's libber'?"... Miss Manners says:

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners finds your use of the term "libber" offensive. It was her impression that all Americans are in favor of liberty for all (and certainly for any particular group of citizens to which they themselves belong).

But she doesn't know why you suggest that "Ms" might be offensive. It is the only solution for a divorced woman that satisfies both Miss Manners' sense of tradition and the modern need for a business-woman to have her own identity.------------- However, since "Ms" came to be used (not with the last wave of feminism, as many gentle readers have pointed out, but in business-college textbooks of the '20's and '30's), that is no longer necessary.

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AW, SHUCKS !

After spending several hours today trying to install storm windows that had swollen and refused to be forced into their respective slots, making a trip to the driver's license bureau to renew my license, and then trying to repair a piece of machinery for which I needed a service manual, I returned to the sanctity of my home for dinner, relaxation,a cold beer and TV watching. A wonderful line was delivered by Claire Huxtable on a re-run of the Cosby show. Upon refusing an invitation to join a William Buxley, Jr. type panel for a weekly all male, very verbose and so-called intellectual discussion she said, ".... to get up at 4:30 AM to watch three men bask in the non-existent rays of their own intelligence is not my idea of fun."

That statement should be in the same category as the phrase, "I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance." I love a well-turned phrase.

And then tonight on a commercial was the statement, "There is no substitute for cubic inches." And, for some reason, that seems to sum up my day very nicely. ..Sigh. Oh, well---- Kitten 10/23/90

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Just to show my readers that I don't want to leave them solemn faced, I'll add this little ditty:-- Just to cheer you up----

On the chest of a local barmaid

Are tattooed the prices of Ale.

And on her behind

For the sake of the blind

The prices are tattooed in Braille

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Have you ever noticed that when talking with a professional philosopher (watch TV) they all assume the same physical stance? They are always sitting, rared back so they can look upwards and off in the distance, contemplative, their fingers are clasped and woven together, while they spout off, hopefully with words of wisdom. I have the notion that the answer to all the problems that philosophers and social scientists attempt to solve can be found in laughter -- you know -- that musical sound that tickles the gut and massages all of your organs. That beautiful sound that makes your belly shake. Remember? ....... Kitten 12/10/90

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I was just thinking-- usually a mistake!-- We have greetings for most times of the day. Good morning, Good afternoon, Good Evening, and at the end of the day, Good night. ...But how does one greet someone in the middle of the night? In trying to answer that, the only thing that I can think of is "Good Luck!!" or, perhaps, "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" HOHOHOHO. Laughter -- !!!

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I have a book that is named: 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said by Robert Byrne... I browsed through the 1911 sayings and chose the 19 that I liked best. Here they are:

If I had been Virgin Mary, I would have said "NO." -------Margaret Smith

What if there had been room at the INN?-------- Linda Festa

Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. --------George Bernard Shaw

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.

One more drink and I'll be under the host. --------Dorothy Parker

Byrne's Law: In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect the fuses.

I propose getting rid of conventional armaments and replacing them with reasonably priced hydrogen bombs that would be distributed equally throughout the world. --------Idi Amin

The Jewish position on abortion is that a foetus is a foetus until it gets out of medical school. ------Unknown

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. --------Gloria Steinem

Anyone who eats meals three times a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.------ L.M.Boyd

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? --------Jules Feiffer

I can't mate in captivity. --------Gloria Steinem on why she never married.

Jesus was a Jew, but only on his mother's side. --------Stanley Ralph Ross

What I like about masturbation is that you don't have to talk afterwards. -------- Milos Forman

(The above modified by Kitten) What *I* like about masturbation is there is no one present to criticize the performance. '91

9W. Answer to the question: -- Do you spell your name with a V, Mr. Wagner? ---------Steve Allen

If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. -----Adlai Stevenson

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ------ Plato

And to end this with a favorite: I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm you were the quickest. -------- Steven Pearl

(And that reminds me of a sperm joke. See that on the Joke page.)

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