Kitten's Rules

a

Mini-Blue Book

For Unisex Behavior

Rules of behavior between males and females as we

approach the year 2000, sprinkled with some philosophy and

observations that have nothing to do with Rules. Note

that most rules have sexual undertones. That's LIFE !!

PLUS

An Excerpt from Ben Franklin and a

Pre-Relationship Agreement


Introduction

A philosopher once said, "Nothing is new except by arrangement". - I think that thought also is true in the world of etiquette. - In the past twenty or thirty years feminism has blossomed, and the men of today, who were taught a set of rules by their parents and grandparents, do not know how to behave responsibly in this new world, thus the birth of this paper.-- Since I have reached the enviable age of 77, I must admit that I am constantly reminded of how the world has changed since I was a girl. -

Rules are made to be broken, and, I am proud to say, I - have broken most of them. - But the rule that I adhere to the most is the baseball rule; you know-- the-three-strikes-and-you're-out rule. - Abiding by that rule does give one some flexibility, because all balls are not strikes -- some of them are balls. And one can call them as one sees them.

I think that the single thing that disturbs me the most is the lack of the proper way to hold eating utensils while eating, especially when cutting one's meat.  This certainly indicates the lack of proper training while still a very young person. - I remember that the music teacher that we had in grammar school when I was a child held a week-long study about proper use of the tools of eating.  Lord, how I miss people like her in the school system.

I was fortunate in having a Miss Grace Brunson, for whom the Brunson School was named, as my 7th grade teacher. - It was she who drummed into our heads the proper way to give directions to a traveler, and the proper use of the words 'rear' and 'raise' when speaking of children. - I can hear her now saying that you raise a table, and rear a child, not vice versa. - Now-a-days the dictionary allows both ways to be correct. - But I still say 'rear'.

Another English rule that I hear often, and that which makes my skin crawl, is this: "me and Joe". In this case the easy way to know that is - incorrect is to drop off the 'Joe' and think, would I say 'me went to the market?' - NO. You would use the pronoun 'I'. And ALWAYS put the other fellow first. It should then be "Joe and I"

One other pet peeve that I have concerning the murdering of the English language is this: It is not "I seen", or "he seen". The correct use of the verb is "I saw" and "he saw".

But this is really about Rules of behavior, not Rules of English. The following are RULES OF BEHAVIOR with which to arm oneself upon entering the year 2000. - This is semi-serious, and, hopefully, amusing.

Kitten -- (Email: kitten@cwp.rbdc.com)


Rules of Behavior

For the 21st Century

  1. Q. If a man is a passenger in the automobile belonging to his female companion, and she must stop at a service station for gas, who pays and who pumps?
    A. The woman pays and the man pumps (gas, that is), thus giving him the opportunity to be the gentleman he wants people to think he is.
  2. Q. Now that smoking is taboo, what should one do when the nicotine urge is demanding satisfaction?
    A. Never smoke in the house of a non-smoker. Never smoke on a date with a non-smoker. - Kissing a smoker is like licking a dirty ash tray. - The smell of smoke permeates the carpet, clothing, draperies, and even into the different components of the entertainment center. - She needs to have happy memories of you.
  3. Do not exhibit racism or chauvinistic behavior, nor tell ethnic jokes. Definition of Chauvinism: One who believes excessively and often belligerently in the superiority of his own country, race, or sex.
  4. Don't fight the evidence of a hard-on. - Do not call attention to it, but do not be embarrassed as it manifests itself.. Your partner might find it amusing, or, more than likely, complimentary. -- The female should pretend not to notice it, but if you see her smile without obvious reason you will know she did, indeed, notice. - Nor should he comment if he notices that her nipples become, suddenly, very hard, as seen through her blouse.
  5. Do not think that equality means that you now have the right to exhibit un-gentlemanly behavior. - Equality simply means that she wants the same pay and the same opportunities as the men for the same job. - It does not replace proper social behavior.
  6. Q. Who picks up the tab for the movie, dinner, etc. -
    A. Whoever issued the invitation should pay the bill.
  7. Q. - If intimacy is anticipated, who should take care of the protection?
    A. Both parties should have the proper protection available. And a Doctor's report showing a current, negative testing, for HIV or any other sexually transmitted disease, would be very classy!!
  8. Do be clean. - Nobody wants to be intimate with someone who has body odor or bad breath. - It has been my observation that young people shower at night, old people shower in the morning, and successful people shower both times.
  9. A person who will not take care of his teeth will not take care of his personal hygiene, or his wife and children.
  10. Keep a neat house, but not one so clean that people are uncomfortable in it.I have noticed that the cleaner the house, the less gray matter exists in the old cranium.
  11. To the men: Do not make nasty remarks about feminism. In 1913 someone asked Rebecca West for a definition of a feminist and she replied: "I, myself, have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door-mat." Some things have not changed.
  12. Another sage said, "When a man marries his mistress he creates a job vacancy." Rather amusing. I am looking forward to the day when that would read thusly: "When a woman marries her lover she creates a job vacancy." Personally I think every woman needs both a husand and a lover.
  13. Sage Joyce Jillson said: "There are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with child. When you are on the witness stand."
  14. Another wit, Irving S. Smith, said: 'The difference between a girl friend and a wife is the difference between delectable and deductible.' And this should read, 'The difference between a boy friend and a husband is the difference between good loving and a wham-bam, thank-you-sir. And-- of course, a deductible.
  15. Ladies, never trust a man who is dumb enough to stand around in the mid-day sun in July wearing a neck tie. If he does not have enough brains to get out of the sun and remove the tie, he does not have enough brains to be a politician, a good lover or a good husband.
  16. The reason so many women fake orgasm is that so many men fake foreplay.
  17. Men, if you are 'courting' a lady, surprise her with small gifts. - It can be as simple as a single rose, stolen from someone's rose garden, a jonquil in the spring time, or a simple love note saying 'I love you', or 'I am looking forward to our date', placed strategically, under her windshield wiper. Now that is called 'Courtin'.'
  18. One pathetic and very real abnormality in Men is their incapacity to love. - What is love? - It is to put another person's well-being before your own.
  19. Definition of an orgasm: An orgasm is the toggle switch that resets the mechanism for the nervous system in the body. - It regulates the health of the body. - Kitten 1/98
  20. I think that copulation is nature's way of saying 'howdy'.
  21. A joke: The elephant said to the naked man, 'OK. - It's cute. - But can it pick up peanuts?
  22. Large boobs and a pretty smile are - man-magnets. - And a pretty smile demands regular dental appointments.. - Kitten
  23. From Ray Bradbury: If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. - We'd never have a friendship. - We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. - Well, that's nonsense. - You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.
  24. From Ann Morrow Lindbergh: - "When you love someone you do not love him or her in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. - We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in the terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on continuity, when the only continuity possible is in growth, in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. The only real security in a relationship lies neither in looking back in nostalgia, nor forward in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now." (Gift from the Sea)
  25. One of the funniest phrases I have heard came from an old Negro woman, speaking about someone she knew who was known to be free with her favors, "She is addicted to the pole." Many people suffer from this addiction.
  26. Heard on TV: To her it is romance, to him it is just a commotion in his pants.
  27. To be an old person requires a lot of time. - The ancient Greeks had an interesting concept: To die young as late in life as possible.
  28. From Anthropologist Helen Fisher on the origins of the nature of human sexual conduct, Anatomy of Love: -- "Strutting, preening, flirting, courting, dazzling, then capturing one another. - Then nesting. - Then breeding. - Then philandering. - Then abandoning the fold." Soon drunk on hope, we court anew.'
  29. Read on Usenet: Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. - (This has nothing to do with rules. - Just testing you to see if you are paying attention. - Smile)
  30. There are three people in this world that I dislike: A drunk when I am sober, - a sober person when I am drunk, and a person who does not return phone calls. Failure to do that last one is the same as a slap in the face. It is very unsocial and a sign of rejection.
  31. You should always live your life with your spouse so that just before you die you can look at him/her and say, "Here's looking at you, kid. I'll see you in our next life," and he/she will reply, "I hope so!" instead of, "Not if I see you first." Kitten, 8/93
  32. Q. Cave Men: - Any truth to the old notion that primitive man tossed his chosen woman over his shoulder and hauled her off to his cave?
    A. Scholars now say it was her cave, and when he showed up, he only stayed until she said get out.
  33. SEX strips away identities it takes a lifetime to build. A naked, aroused man is not a brain surgeon or a University President or a Methodist Bishop. - He is an animal with an erection. - John Hunter
  34. The value of affection goes up when it is in short supply.
  35. Caption under the cartoon THE BETTER HALF, the man, who is drinking pop and eating chips, 'Big muscles and a hard stomach are nice to look at ... but flab is better for snuggling.'
  36. From Betty Friedan in 'The Fountain of Age' says: Just as darkness is sometimes defined as the absence of light, so age is defined as the absence of youth. - Old age is a different stage of life, and if you are going to pretend it is youth, you are going to miss it. - You are going to miss the surprises, the possibilities, and the evolution that we are just beginning to know about, because there are no role models, there are no guide posts, and there are no signs.'
  37. Talking about Heidi Fleiss (the Hollywood Madam) trial: A judge wrote 75 years ago -'The men create the market and the women who supply the demand pay the penalty. - It is time that this unfair discrimination and injustice should cease'. But the real issue is not sex bias. - The issue is privacy.-- Why is the decision by a woman to sleep with a man she has met in a bar a private one, and the decision to sleep with the same man in return for $100.00 subject to criminal penalties.?
  38. How do you flirt? - With your eyes. A man looks at a lady first at her breasts, then lets his eyes travel down the rest of her body, coming to a stop when he comes back to her face. A woman returns the look, looks down at his crotch, and back to his face, then smiles, if she is interested. That is the 'Come-on'. - If she is not interested, she looks elsewhere.
  39. Hugging is good. - As long as your hands do not stray. - Of course, there is more fun here if the hands stray a little bit---.
  40. A man never offers his hand for a handshake upon introduction, until the lady offers her hand. - No sqeezing, please. - Remember, she is delicate.
  41. A gentleman NEVER kisses and tells. - We Southerners are taught this early in life. - The private life of Bill Clinton teaches that. He had been taught by his mother never to kiss and tell, and it went against all his training to have to admit to any kind of intimacy.
  42. A gentleman STILL rises when a lady enters the room, leaves the room, leaves the dinner table, etc. Ladies notice little things like this, and are impressed.
  43. A gentleman never keeps a hat, cap, or any other head covering on his head when in a home or at the dinner table.
  44. When encountering a person in a hallway, always nod, or in someway recognize their presence. - To fail to do so is an insult.
  45. Offer help to the elderly or disabled person. Do not grab the person's wheelchair unless it is clear that help is needed.
  46. If you have a date, NEVER drive up to the front of the house and blow your horn. - Park your car and go knock on her door. Be prepared to meet her Father.
  47. Do not discuss other women you have dated, or who you are presently dating, while in the presence of your current date. - Comparisons are a NO-NO.
  48. Men, when breaking up with your lover, send her a dozen roses and a vibrator. -

Rules for Cheaters

Oh, yes. - Just as there are rules for sports, rules of the jungle, rules of the road, there are rules for cheaters. - Bear in mind, I am not advising anyone to cheat on their spouse. - Let's take a look at what happens when you do that.

  1. The spouse will definitely find out. - And when he/she does, there will never be trust in the marriage again. - He/She will NEVER forgive you. - He/She may say that he/she forgive you, but they will never forget.
  2. You run the risk of bringing home a venereal disease.
  3. You will have cheated your children of your time.
  4. You will have broken your vows.
  5. And eventually, you will start feeling guilty because you are something less than a respectful person.-- Actually, you are a slime ball.

IF-- that is a BIG IF, you see that the marriage is not working, then get separation papers BEFORE you cheat. Then you will not be cheating.

But IF, another BIG IF, you do not take my advice, IF you think that the world will be a better place if you are free to spread your particular charms, expertise as a great lover / temptress, here are a few of the unbreakable rules by which you must live if you cheat:

  1. Be prepared to face the consequences. - If you are caught, you will pay child support until the last child is 18, or older, if college is in the cards.
  2. You may have to pay alimony the rest of your life.
  3. You have lowered your self-esteem in the eyes of your partner. - That is unforgivable.
  4. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER break up a family. - NEVER be a home wrecker. - That would put you in the category of slime.
  5. Never lie, to the new lady in your life, about the status of your marriage.
  6. You may find yourself out of a job, and you will not have a partner to carry you through the hard times.
  7. You may find yourself alone in your old age. - Your children may have lost their respect for you, and refuse to take care of you.

But if the reason you are contemplating cheating is because you and your spouse had a fight, remember that a dozen roses is cheaper than a divorce. - A weekend away from all the stressful things in your life will do wonders for your marriage, and is also cheaper than a divorce. The best advice is that if you think that you might cheat, if you think that one woman is not enough for you, then do not get married. - Stay single. - But you may be lonely. - Attorneys are expensive.

Ahem------ ON THE OTHER HAND, probably the real reason one cheats is because of a lack of love or sex, and nothing is so depressing as to be forced to live in a loveless or sexless marriage. - Marriage is an obligation, for life. - Many people spend more time choosing a head of cabbage than choosing a spouse.  There is nothing, I mean NOTHING more exhilarating, more exciting, more appealing than an illicit affair.  You find that you are ALIVE!!!  Some women are happy that their husband has acquired a mistress, for it relieves them of their duty -- yes, I said DUTY, to have sex. - I know of a woman who was approached by two different women who begged her to have an affair with their husbands. - These women were secure in their station of life, secure in the knowledge that their husbands would not divorce them, secure financially, and required nothing more than to be THE wife. - Such women had already fulfilled their duty by giving the husband the heirs he wanted.  On the other hand, I know women who had rather have an affair than marriage. - I know of one woman who required written consent from the wife, and the wife happily gave it!! It takes all kinds of people to make up this world.  Some women think that the ONLY reason to have sex is to have children.

So........... Here are some of the rules if you do not have consent:

  1. Do NOT leave a paper trail. - Pay for the affair in cash.
  2. Do NOT neglect your spouse, especially sexually.
  3. Do NOT change your habits. - For example, if you are not in the habit of showering until morning, do not suddenly start showering at a different time of day. Have extra clothes, and a shower installed, at your office.
  4. Do NOT change your after shave. - For the women, do not suddenly start using a new perfume, new lipsticks, etc.
  5. Women, wear no lipstick. - A lipstick smear on your lover's shirt or jacket is hard to explain.
  6. Do NOT make long distance calls to your new lover from your home phone.
  7. There are many other rules, but you get the idea. - Keep everything exactly the same.
  8. A lover requires a lot of time and attention. - If you don't have the time, or can't make the time, to spend with your lover, forget the idea. - Good luck. - You will need it. - But if you are smart, you will have fun. And since sex is a requirement to live, it stands to reason that you will live a longer life if you don't get caught.

One old sage said, 'Where there is marriage without love, there WILL BE love without marriage.' Personally, I guarantee it !!!


I, personally, found the following amusing, albeit insulting to women.

Read on, to see what old Ben Franklin wrote to a friend about How to choose a Mistress: Again, this has nothing to do with Rules, but it is amusing, and indicates that nothing has changed since 1745.

Ben Franklin, in 1745 advised a friend On choosing A Mistress: - (excerpted)

--that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones... You call this Paradox, and demand my Reasons. - They are these:

  1. Because they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stored with Observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
  2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
  3. Because there is no hazard of children
  4. Because through more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue
  5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The face first grows lank and wrinkled, then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old one from a young one. Etc
  6. Because the Sin is less. - The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for life unhappy.
  7. Because the Compunction is less.-- --you are making an old Woman happy.
  8. and Lastly. - They are so grateful!

Kitten's answer to Ben Franklin:

Know that in your love life you should prefer a young man to an old one. - The reasons are these:

  1. They are less judgmental.
  2. When men cease to be handsome they try to mask their age by :
    1. Hair comb-over
    2. Under the belly belts
    3. Loss of teeth, hence bad breath
    4. Lack of personal hygiene
  3. Young men can be bought. - They are called Boy-Toys-- and will jump when you summon them -- for a price.
  4. They can still get it up by mere suggestion, without Viagra, or any other medical stimulation, such as the pump.
  5. They have less experience, so you can teach them how to satisfy you.
  6. They are still in the bloom of their masculinity, strong muscles, etc.
  7. There is no sin here, only opportunity. - You are giving the young men the opportunity to fulfill their fantasies of making love to their mothers.
  8. They are rewarded by making you happy, as long as your bank account holds out.
  9. They are respectful and treat you with tenderness.
  10. They are not as competitive for attention.
  11. AND THEY ARE MORE FUN. - Definitely, MORE FUN AND EXCITING. !!!

THE PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT

Don't forget to read the "Fine Print"

PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT:

party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:

1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. - Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. - Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2) INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch", see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".)

3) DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty(30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market".

4) TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party"agrees to "give up".

5) DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6) TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7) LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8) THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: - For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a family?", and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".

9) THE 'L' WORD: - For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you". - They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word... - "Gone".

10) GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: - Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

  1. Infidelity: - Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend.
  2. Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same thing"
  3. Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member should seek "help"
  4. Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."

11) DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: - At the time of breakup, each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: - "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My analyst thinks you are..." - (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here)

12) MISCELLANEOUS: - Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks". - Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating said relationship. At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries. - Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) - hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends. - Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't right." "He/she wanted more than I could give." "He/she was too involved in his/her career." "He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist."

13)   ADDENDUM: - After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".


Finally we reach the serious part of these rules.

A few of the Old Courtesy Rules still exist.

Courteous men still:

In the South, civilized people still say

'Mam', 'Sir', 'Please' and 'Thank you'.

Courteous women still:

Acknowledge such courtesies with a smile and a 'Thank you'.

All people still:

Help old people cross streets, bring in groceries, etc.

Courtesies still thrive as we approach the new century.

And Southern gentlemen still give a sly smile and wink to the ladies. - Especially if she is pregnant. - Pregnant women feel so awkward and ugly that a smile and wink lifts their spirits.

Man and his Penis by Catherine W. Pitts

All men enter this world with a penis attached between their legs. By the time most males have reached the age of ten they have named their penises with a name that they think is either cute or appropriate for the occasion. The most common name for a man's penis is a "Dick."

There are six types of Dicks, long or short, fat or skinny, hard or soft, or any combination of the six. Curiosity, penicillin and birth control pills have allowed many women to do research via personal examination. But few penises come equipped with a man-person who is not infected with the "me-Tarzan, you-Jane" syndrome. One can spend a great deal of time looking for the guy who is sensitive, kind to children and animals, who does not mind taking a bath and brush his teeth, who will use a deodorant, who can enjoy the sports in the home without a case of beer and loud-talking friends who try to talk over the noise level of the TV, and friends who use foul language when the kids are around. In other words, finding a man who is civilized and has a hard penis on command can be a life-time hunt.

IF you are successful in finding such a man then the next step is to see if he is capable of love. Men with large Dicks usually are not good lovers because they think that a female will be so excited to find a supersize Dick that they -- the man -- only needs to be present and have his penis stand at attention. Such a man wants only one thing-- a blow job.

The men with the smaller Dicks are more interested in pleasing the partner. He is usually a better lover. I think that the smaller penis man thinks that he must apologize for having a small Dick. What he does not realize is that the smaller penis is less likely to leave the partner with a sore vagina the next day, and if he has satisfied her then who cares if his penis is short or small? This man is more interested in making love.

The cruder the man the more likely he is to refer to his partner or his girlfriend as "the bitch" or "his hole." I heard a black man on TV warn a man to stay way from "his hole." They tend to take ownership of the "hole." Women need to realize that to a man ANY hole will do. A knot hole in a fence will excite them. Seeing a woman on TV with a wide mouth excites them, for they equate a large mouth with a blow job.

Men are very adept at making women think that they love them. The chase is the most fun of all. They will shower a girl with presents, compliments, talk of love, write poems about love, write songs of love, etc. Notice that most of the songs about love that women sing are about how "he" has left her. I reiterate, most men do not know the meaning of love. They take lust of love. It is hard to tell the difference, but watch his eyes and his crotch when a curvy girl strolls by and see how interested he is in a new conquest.

My advice to women, any woman, is to always have another guy hanging around the corner. The most love you will get of a single man is in the chase. Never let him catch you and always have another young fellow waiting. True love is hard to find.