For Unisex Behavior
Rules of behavior between males and females as we
approach the year 2000, sprinkled with some philosophy and
observations that have nothing to do with Rules. Note
that most rules have sexual undertones. That's LIFE !!
An Excerpt from Ben Franklin and a
A philosopher once said, "Nothing is new except by arrangement". - I think that thought also is true in the world of etiquette. - In the past twenty or thirty years feminism has blossomed, and the men of today, who were taught a set of rules by their parents and grandparents, do not know how to behave responsibly in this new world, thus the birth of this paper.-- Since I have reached the enviable age of 77, I must admit that I am constantly reminded of how the world has changed since I was a girl. -
Rules are made to be broken, and, I am proud to say, I - have broken most of them. - But the rule that I adhere to the most is the baseball rule; you know-- the-three-strikes-and-you're-out rule. - Abiding by that rule does give one some flexibility, because all balls are not strikes -- some of them are balls. And one can call them as one sees them.
I think that the single thing that disturbs me the most is the lack of the proper way to hold eating utensils while eating, especially when cutting one's meat. This certainly indicates the lack of proper training while still a very young person. - I remember that the music teacher that we had in grammar school when I was a child held a week-long study about proper use of the tools of eating. Lord, how I miss people like her in the school system.
I was fortunate in having a Miss Grace Brunson, for whom the Brunson School was named, as my 7th grade teacher. - It was she who drummed into our heads the proper way to give directions to a traveler, and the proper use of the words 'rear' and 'raise' when speaking of children. - I can hear her now saying that you raise a table, and rear a child, not vice versa. - Now-a-days the dictionary allows both ways to be correct. - But I still say 'rear'.
Another English rule that I hear often, and that which makes my skin crawl, is this: "me and Joe". In this case the easy way to know that is - incorrect is to drop off the 'Joe' and think, would I say 'me went to the market?' - NO. You would use the pronoun 'I'. And ALWAYS put the other fellow first. It should then be "Joe and I"
One other pet peeve that I have concerning the murdering of the English language is this: It is not "I seen", or "he seen". The correct use of the verb is "I saw" and "he saw".
But this is really about Rules of behavior, not Rules of English. The following are RULES OF BEHAVIOR with which to arm oneself upon entering the year 2000. - This is semi-serious, and, hopefully, amusing.Kitten -- (Email: firstname.lastname@example.org)
Oh, yes. - Just as there are rules for sports, rules of the jungle, rules of the road, there are rules for cheaters. - Bear in mind, I am not advising anyone to cheat on their spouse. - Let's take a look at what happens when you do that.
IF-- that is a BIG IF, you see that the marriage is not working, then get separation papers BEFORE you cheat. Then you will not be cheating.
But IF, another BIG IF, you do not take my advice, IF you think that the world will be a better place if you are free to spread your particular charms, expertise as a great lover / temptress, here are a few of the unbreakable rules by which you must live if you cheat:
But if the reason you are contemplating cheating is because you and your spouse had a fight, remember that a dozen roses is cheaper than a divorce. - A weekend away from all the stressful things in your life will do wonders for your marriage, and is also cheaper than a divorce. The best advice is that if you think that you might cheat, if you think that one woman is not enough for you, then do not get married. - Stay single. - But you may be lonely. - Attorneys are expensive.
Ahem------ ON THE OTHER HAND, probably the real reason one cheats is because of a lack of love or sex, and nothing is so depressing as to be forced to live in a loveless or sexless marriage. - Marriage is an obligation, for life. - Many people spend more time choosing a head of cabbage than choosing a spouse. There is nothing, I mean NOTHING more exhilarating, more exciting, more appealing than an illicit affair. You find that you are ALIVE!!! Some women are happy that their husband has acquired a mistress, for it relieves them of their duty -- yes, I said DUTY, to have sex. - I know of a woman who was approached by two different women who begged her to have an affair with their husbands. - These women were secure in their station of life, secure in the knowledge that their husbands would not divorce them, secure financially, and required nothing more than to be THE wife. - Such women had already fulfilled their duty by giving the husband the heirs he wanted. On the other hand, I know women who had rather have an affair than marriage. - I know of one woman who required written consent from the wife, and the wife happily gave it!! It takes all kinds of people to make up this world. Some women think that the ONLY reason to have sex is to have children.
So........... Here are some of the rules if you do not have consent:
One old sage said, 'Where there is marriage without love, there WILL BE love without marriage.' Personally, I guarantee it !!!
I, personally, found the following amusing, albeit insulting to women.
Read on, to see what old Ben Franklin wrote to a friend about How to choose a Mistress: Again, this has nothing to do with Rules, but it is amusing, and indicates that nothing has changed since 1745.
Ben Franklin, in 1745 advised a friend On choosing A Mistress: - (excerpted)
--that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones... You call this Paradox, and demand my Reasons. - They are these:
Kitten's answer to Ben Franklin:
Know that in your love life you should prefer a young man to an old one. - The reasons are these:
Don't forget to read the "Fine Print"
party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:
1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. - Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. - Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2) INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch", see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".)
3) DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty(30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market".
4) TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party"agrees to "give up".
5) DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6) TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7) LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8) THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: - For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a family?", and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".
9) THE 'L' WORD: - For the first sixty (60) days, both parties
agree not to use the phrase "I love you". - They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word... - "Gone".
10) GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: - Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
11) DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: - At the time of breakup, each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: - "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My analyst thinks you are..." - (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here)
12) MISCELLANEOUS: - Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks". - Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating said relationship. At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries. - Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) - hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends. - Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't right." "He/she wanted more than I could give." "He/she was too involved in his/her career." "He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist."
13) ADDENDUM: - After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
A few of the Old Courtesy Rules still exist.
Courteous men still:
In the South, civilized people still say
'Mam', 'Sir', 'Please' and 'Thank you'.
Courteous women still:
Acknowledge such courtesies with a smile and a 'Thank you'.
All people still:
Help old people cross streets, bring in groceries, etc.
Courtesies still thrive as we approach the new century.
And Southern gentlemen still give a sly smile and wink to the ladies. - Especially if she is pregnant. - Pregnant women feel so awkward and ugly that a smile and wink lifts their spirits.
Man and his Penis by Catherine W. Pitts
All men enter this world with a penis attached between their legs. By the time most males have reached the age of ten they have named their penises with a name that they think is either cute or appropriate for the occasion. The most common name for a man's penis is a "Dick."
There are six types of Dicks, long or short, fat or skinny, hard or soft, or any combination of the six. Curiosity, penicillin and birth control pills have allowed many women to do research via personal examination. But few penises come equipped with a man-person who is not infected with the "me-Tarzan, you-Jane" syndrome. One can spend a great deal of time looking for the guy who is sensitive, kind to children and animals, who does not mind taking a bath and brush his teeth, who will use a deodorant, who can enjoy the sports in the home without a case of beer and loud-talking friends who try to talk over the noise level of the TV, and friends who use foul language when the kids are around. In other words, finding a man who is civilized and has a hard penis on command can be a life-time hunt.
IF you are successful in finding such a man then the next step is to see if he is capable of love. Men with large Dicks usually are not good lovers because they think that a female will be so excited to find a supersize Dick that they -- the man -- only needs to be present and have his penis stand at attention. Such a man wants only one thing-- a blow job.
The men with the smaller Dicks are more interested in pleasing the partner. He is usually a better lover. I think that the smaller penis man thinks that he must apologize for having a small Dick. What he does not realize is that the smaller penis is less likely to leave the partner with a sore vagina the next day, and if he has satisfied her then who cares if his penis is short or small? This man is more interested in making love.
The cruder the man the more likely he is to refer to his partner or his girlfriend as "the bitch" or "his hole." I heard a black man on TV warn a man to stay way from "his hole." They tend to take ownership of the "hole." Women need to realize that to a man ANY hole will do. A knot hole in a fence will excite them. Seeing a woman on TV with a wide mouth excites them, for they equate a large mouth with a blow job.
Men are very adept at making women think that they love them. The chase is the most fun of all. They will shower a girl with presents, compliments, talk of love, write poems about love, write songs of love, etc. Notice that most of the songs about love that women sing are about how "he" has left her. I reiterate, most men do not know the meaning of love. They take lust of love. It is hard to tell the difference, but watch his eyes and his crotch when a curvy girl strolls by and see how interested he is in a new conquest.
My advice to women, any woman, is to always have another guy hanging around the corner. The most love you will get of a single man is in the chase. Never let him catch you and always have another young fellow waiting. True love is hard to find.