SEX
ONE OF THE SECRETS TO GOOD HEALTH:
An orgasm is the toggle switch that resets the mechanism for the nervous system in the body.    Kitten 1/23/98
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One of my friends had an uncle who gave her advice about being a "good girl". "When everything is just right, -- the time, the place, the mood -- no matter how good a person you are, your ass will overrule your head, and IT will happen."

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To be objective about SEX requires a mature and objective view point. Unfortunately, by the time you achieve this you generally don't give a damn.

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SEX strips away identities it takes a lifetime to build. A naked, aroused man is not a brain surgeon or a University President or a Methodist Bishop. He is an animal with an erection. ---- John Hunter in Boston Feeders, discussing the appeal of pornography.

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From a news columnist, talking about the Heidi Fleiss (the Hollywood Madam) trial:

A judge wrote 75 years ago, "The men create the market and the women who supply the demand pay the penalty. It is time that this unfair discrimination and injustice should cease."

But the real issue is not sex bias. The issue is privacy. Why is the decision by a woman to sleep with a man she has met in a bar a private one, and the decision to sleep with the same man in return for $100.00 subject to criminal penalties?

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Caption under a cartoon THE BETTER HALF, the man, who is drinking pop and eating chips, "Big muscles and a hard stomach are nice to look at ... but flab is better for snuggling."

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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I am another year older," but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I wentdown to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."

All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She did not say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The children will be down in a few minutes; they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me."

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the children came running into the kitchen yelling: "Give me a slice of toast. I'm late. Where is my coat? I am going to miss the bus." Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy Birthday, Boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel much better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better I said, "That's a good idea."

So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have a lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way Inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch.

We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?" It sounded like a good idea, since we did not have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis.

After awhile she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable, " and she left the room.

In a few minutes she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my children. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks. (Creative Syndicate, Inc.)

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SECRET MEETINGS .......(from an Ann Lander's Column)

Ellie and Marvin have been having secret meetings twice a week for the past six months

But have thus far failed to consummate their passion; because.............

While both of them agree that marital fidelity is not only unrealistic but irrelevant

He has developed sharp shooting pains in his chest, and she's got impetigo, and he's got pink eye.

Ellie and Marvin drive forty miles to sneaky luncheonettes in separate cars

But have thus far done no more than heavy necking because .............

She's developed colitis, and he has developed these thobbing pains in this back,

And she has started biting her nails, and he's smoking again.

Ellie and Marvin yearn to have some love in the afternoon at a motor hotel,

But have thus far only had a lot of coffee, because.............

He is convinced that his phone is being tapped and she is convinced that a man in a trench coat is following her, and

He says what if the motor hotel catches fire, and she says what if she talks in her sleep some night, and

She thinks her husband is acting suspiciously hostile, and he thinks his wife is acting suspiciously nice, and

He keeps cutting his face with his double-edged razor, and she keeps closing her hand in the door of her car, so..........

While both of them agree that guilt is not only neurotic but also obsolete,

They've also agreed....... to give up

Secret Meetings............by Judith Viorst

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